Adlerian Principles
Mutual respect based on the assumption of equality, is the undeniable right of
all human beings. Parents who show respect for the child--while winning his
respect for them--teach the child to respect himself and others.
Encouragement implies faith in and respect for the child as he is. A child
misbehaves usually when he is discouraged and believes he cannot succeed by
useful means.
Feelings of "security" are highly subjective and not necessarily related to the
actual situation. Real security cannot be found from the outside; it is only
possible to achieve it through the experience and feeling of having overcome
difficulties.
Reward and punishment are ineffective. A child soon considers a reward his right
and demands a reward for everything. He considers that punishment gives him the
right to punish in turn, and the retaliation of children is usually more
effective than the punishment inflicted by the parents. Children often retaliate
by not eating, fighting, neglecting schoolwork, or otherwise misbehaving in ways
that are the most disturbing to parents.
Natural and logical consequences are techniques which allow the child, always
with safety of prime importance, to experience the actual result of his own
behaviour.
* Natural consequences are the direct result of the child's behaviour, i.e.
Tommy refuses to wear a coat while it is raining: he will get wet.
* Logical consequences are established by the parents, and are a direct and
logical--not arbitrarily imposed -- consequence of the behaviour, i.e. Helen
doesn't want to eat her lunch: she will be hungry until teatime.
Parents must learn to "mind their own business" and let the child learn from the
logical consequences of his/her own behaviour.
Acting instead of talking is more effective in conflict situations. Talking
provides an opportunity for arguments in which the child can defeat the parent.
If the parent maintains a calm, patient attitude, he can, through quiet action,
accomplish positive results. Withdrawal (leaving the child and walking into
another room) is most effective when the child demands undue attention or tries
to involve you in a power contest. Often doing nothing effects wonderful
results.
The less attention children get when they disturbs, the more they need when they
are cooperative. You may feel that anger helps get rid of your own tensions, but
it does not teach the child what you think he should learn.
Don't interfere in children's fights. By allowing children to resolve their own
conflicts they learn to get along better. Many fights are provoked to get the
parent involved, and by separating the children or acting as judge we fall for
their provocation, thereby stimulating them to fight more.
Take time for teaching the child essential skills and habits. Don't attempt this
in a moment of conflict or in company. The parent who "does not have time" for
such teaching will have to spend more time correcting an untrained child.
Never do for a child what he can do for himself. A dependent child is a
demanding child. Children become irresponsible only when we fail to give them
opportunities to take on responsibility.
Overprotection pushes a child down. Parents may feel they are giving when they
act for a child; actually they are taking away the child's right to learn and
develop. When parents begin to have faith that their children can behave in a
responsible way, while allowing them to do so, the children will assume their
own responsibilities.
Over-responsible parents often produce irresponsible children. Parents who take
on the responsibility of the child by reminding or doing for him, encourage the
child to be irresponsible.
Distinguish between positive and negative attention if you want to influence
children's behaviour. Feeling unable to gain positive attention, and regarding
being ignored as intolerable, children resort to activities which get them
negative attention. Negative attention is better than no attention at all!
Understand the child's goal. Every action of a child has a purpose. His/her
basic aim is to connect, to be valued and to have a place in the group, be it
the family, the class at school, the youth organisation, etc., i.e. children
need to feel they belong.
The four goals of misbehaviour. The child is usually unaware of his goals. His
behaviour, though illogical to others, is consistent with his own interpretation
of his place in the family group.
* Attention-getting: children want attention and service. We feel annoyed
because they don't seem to take notice of or remember what we tell them. We feel
we need to remind and coax them.
* Power: they wants to be the boss. We respond by feeling provoked and get into
a power contest with them--"you can't get away with this!" A child who wants to
be powerful generally has a parent who also seeks power. One person cannot fight
alone; when a parent learns to do nothing (by withdrawing, for example) during a
power contest, he/she dissipates the child's power, and can begin to establish a
healthier relationship with him/her.
* Revenge: they wants to hurt us because they are hurting. We respond by feeling
deeply hurt and revenge our feelings.
* Display of assumed inadequacy: they wants to be left alone, with no demands
made upon them and often have given up. We respond by feeling despair--I don't
know what to do!"
If your first impulse is to react in one of these four ways, you can be fairly
sure you have discovered the goal of the child's misbehaviour.
Minimize mistakes. Making mistakes is human. Dreikurs suggested that we have the
courage to be imperfect. The child is also imperfect. Don't make too much fuss
and don't worry about his mistakes. Build on the positive, not on the negative.
A Family Meeting once a week or so, can give every member of the family a chance
to express certain issues and discuss what can be done about them. The emphasis
should be on "What we can do about the situation."
Have fun together and thereby help to develop a relationship based on enjoyment,
mutual respect, love and affection, mutual confidence and trust, and a feeling
of belonging. Instead of talking to nag, scold, preach, and correct, utilize
talking to maintain a friendly relationship. Speak to your child with the same
respect and consideration that you would express to a good friend.